I have been trying to decide what to do with this blog. I was going to write stories about different parts of my life and post them here. As you can see from the previous posts, that was something I did take seriously for a while. But I lost interest and motivation to do that. It is something that maybe later I will take up again.
So in a way I was wondering what I could do on this blog. I tossing back and forth between things. I just couldn’t make up my mind about anything let alone do anything. That is until yesterday when something happen that did make up my mind.
I was part of a promotional video. To be honest, it wasn’t something I would do at first, but I was “tricked” into doing it. When they called me up about it, they said I would just come into the office and answer some questions about my job and that would be it. It ended up being a whole day of filming and answering questions about my job before the cameras.
In some ways, tricking me worked in my favor. Not knowing what was going to happen, I didn’t have the fears build up inside me about what I was going to do. When it came time to answer those questions on camera, I found that I was good at ad-lib. That my answers seem more honest and to the point than if I had time to think of my answers by giving the questions to me beforehand.
I though why not do the same in this blog. When something comes up in my mind to write about then write a post on the blog. Don’t worry about sticking to a plan and do a story or post. Just write whatever comes to mind as I write to the post. If it is crap and nobody likes it then it doesn’t matter to me. It is not like I am trying to get a following or engage people here, just expressing myself.
So that is what I will do for the time being. Just write and post it. May not make much sense and then again it might. May just seem that way to me because I am not following an outline, making a point or revising it in any way. But there are other things I will keep as part of this blog:
- No advertisements. I am not trying to make money with this blog
- No tracking: I don’t care if anyone visits this blog or what they read here.
- No notifications: The feeds are disabled along with any other way of notifying a person that I posted something here. So if you want to see if I posted or read something, you will just have to drop by and find out for yourself.
- No comments: Not that I don’t care about what people have to say in regards to my posting, just that I get tired of cleaning up the spam and other junk that is posted in the comments section. I know there are anti-spam solutions out there, but I like to keep this blog simple and not have another layer of code on it just to scan comments and see if they are spam. Maybe at some point I will put up an email address that if you want to contact me and comment about what I post then you can do it that way. Not that hard to hit the delete key in the email client when spam does come.
When I was growing up, I had dreams of what I would do in life. Such things as computer programmer, computer repair, mathematician, and they where things I did try out in life. The only problem was that they didn’t turn out to be things I really like doing for one reason or another. Kind left me with no idea what I wanted to do in life to be honest.
I think that is one of the reasons why I was unemployed for so long. I didn’t really have a clue about what kind of job would excite me anymore. Add the fact that up to that point I didn’t really like working for someone else resulted in someone that was not very motivated to find work. I went through the motions and did a lot of work self-employed or as a contractor, but the idea of having a career or a long term job was not something that was appealing to me.
That was until I was offered work as a taxi driver. I didn’t like the idea of being a taxi driver. I heard horror stories about the profession. But my curiosity and the need for money convinced me to try it. I found that that yes in some ways it wasn’t all that good. After all you are only getting paid when you have a fare and when working the night shift in the winter in a small country town that could be hours before you got one. But I enjoyed meeting people, even the drunks (actually in some ways the drunks where better people). But one thing prevented it from being a career for me.
That was the owners of the taxis I drove. The constant pressure I felt from them for making money. There wasn’t much I could do about the lack of fares, but there was under-handed tricks I could do to increase the fares and make them happy. But I wasn’t willing to do that. I also soon resented the fact that the owners where willing to screw me to increase their share. So tensions rose up between us and suddenly I found myself no longer driving taxis. Not that I cared at that point about driving them anymore.
So I was back in limbo again. Only to find that taxi driving was just a stepping stone to a job that I would look forward to doing in life. That was being a school bus driver. Not what comes to mind when you think about a normal school bus driver in that I don’t drive a school bus full of kids to school and back home. But I drive a van and the kids on it have mental or physical disabilities.
It is something I found that I really enjoy. In some ways, I could say it is the first job that I have had in my life that I look forward to doing each day instead of dreading it. Which in some ways really surprises me because driving was not something I consider to be something I would make a career doing. If anything at one time it was something that was a nightmare for me.
When I was younger I dreaded driving. I would avoid it as much as possible. Over time though I grew to like driving. But then I came here to Australia and driving on the wrong side of the road scare the shit out of me. So driving became something I dreaded again. For several years here, I refuse to get my driver’s license. But I eventually did and found ways to cope with driving on the wrong side of the road that it didn’t bother me as much as eventually would lead to getting the school bus driving job that I love so much now.
I take a lot of pride in being a school bus driver now. Not that it is high paying job or something that most people see as a respectable job. But to me it means I worked those fears of driving over time to the point that I am actually doing something that would give me nightmares and stress me out really bad when I was younger. That is something to take pride in regardless of what it is in life when a person does have the courage and strength to work through their fears over time and actually be in a position where they enjoy it.
4/3/2019: Wrote the teaser and background
5/3/2019: Set the scene
6/3/2019: Monster and his demand and my reaction
There was a game that was played when I was a kid and sometimes as an adult. I call it the “morality game”. Someone would pose a question like “Would you kill someone?” and then you answered.
To me the questions seem silly. It is quite easy to pick the answer that abides to your morality. There is nothing at stake with the question. Your morality has nothing to oppose it.
Quite a different thing when faced with a situation in reality. When morality is now opposed by feelings of anger, rage, and the need for revenge. Even the circumstances may tempt you to go against what you hold dear. When that occurs, the answer is not so easy to figure out
Continue reading “The Choice – First Rough Draft – WIP -2”
I am going to start working on this chapter in between other ones. I think it will be one hardest and take the longest. But also take a lot drafts to get it into a form that I want to include.
The reason being that when I try to write about it, I get really angry. I have every intention of writing something that is professional and mature, but it turns nasty. Becomes something that is more of a rant of a child having a temper tantrum. So I am hopping that by writing several drafts and getting it out of my system, then I can tell the story for this chapter in a way that is good.
Therefore I will not talk about the stereotypes, labels, politics, or the movement. Because honestly that is not what I am here to write about that. I want to write about finding a way to accept who I am and be happy with who I am. Not that I think my way is the best or will work for the reader if they are similar place. But that it worked for me. If anything encourage other people to find their own path to acceptance of who they are as a person.
Like I said I am not going to use the labels that are normally associated with me. One way to avoid the the feelings of angry I have when they are used. Instead make up my own labels. Labels that work better for me and help people understand where I am coming from also.
Anyway that is how I am going to write this chapter. Maybe by doing so I can get my idea across without stepping on those things that are tender. That make me angry and hurt when i do step on them or someone else does.