I haven’t posted here in a while. Actually the real reason behind that is two fold. One is my new schedule and the other is the dark nights.
Getting my new job was quite a surprise. I had given up on getting the job. Just another failed attempt to get work in the sorry state that has been my status as being unemployed for so long. But then out of the blue I got a call to come in for an interview and then go to work the next day. It caught me off guard and threw my normal day to day schedule into disarray.
That is one thing about myself, is that I like having a routine. I am not OCD about it, but it does shake me up if there isn’t a routine. Even though I loved the job and look forward to doing it, I resisted making a new schedule around the new job. There was a part of me that was waiting for news that I would no longer be doing it. So why make a new schedule around something that is temporary at best?
That has been the case in the past. I set myself up when I do get work because I think its going to be permanent and I end up not working again. Various reasons for this happening, but usually comes down is that I am not suited for the job. I either quit or get laid off for that reason. I was thinking it would be the same way with this new job. Even more so because it was something I liked doing.
But now that fear of getting laid off has passed. I made it through the first term of the job with no complaints from my supervisor. After my two weeks off, I have been asked to come back for another term. So finally I have a job that I can say I will be keeping and can set a new schedule around when I go back to work at the end of the month 🙂
The other thing that has been keeping from writing is what I call my dark dreams. I call them that because the dreams are dark in color. It is like it is nighttime when I have them. These dark dreams are memories coming to the surface that I have repressed from my childhood.
In a way the dark dreams don’t reveal themselves all at once. More like a puzzle where I fitting pieces together with each dream. Until finally the dream shows me the whole of the repressed memory. The dark dreams also tell me if I have come to accept what the memory is about or not in their own way. Usually when I stop dreaming about whatever the dark dream is about that is a sign that I have come to terms with it.
In the meantime, I find my waking self struggling with whatever the dream is about. Which makes it hard to focus on writing, because I find myself either thinking about and trying to come to terms with it or trying to force it back down. Right now I am dealing with a memory of something that is particular painful.
It is not so much about what this person did but what it meant to me by them doing it. That I realized how wrong I was about trusting this person. If I was wrong about trusting this person then could I trust myself in what I felt about other people in my life. Which started me down the road of seeing everyone as bad. Better to think that than trust my instincts and feelings about the person. They failed me so badly with this person.
Anyway that is a story for a different post entry. Now that I trust that I will have this job for the long term, I have been thinking how I am going to incorporate doing these stories and writing in this blog. Well I decided to go back to the old ways at least for the stories.
The old ways being what I did when I first started to blog so many years ago. That being where I hand write several drafts, then type up the draft and then finally post it. I think I need to do that, because it is something that is required. As I write about these things from my past, it doesn’t come all at once. As I write the drafts and talk to people close to me about them, I find things I never considered before. Things I would have missed if I just wrote down in a post in one draft and posted it. So I think going back to the old ways of doing several drafts before I even get to the point of positing it will result in something that is more true to what I am trying to write about.
At the same time, I do just love writing down what comes to mind in a post and then posting it. Not worry about doing several drafts, just type and post. Like I am doing here with this post. So I am going to do both in this blog.
But also not force to any schedule about doing either type of post. If I feel like sitting down and working on another draft for the story then I will do that. If instead I feel like just typing something up about whatever is on my mind and posting it then I will do that. The only thing I will require of myself is to do one or the other each night.
Anyway these posts like this one, where I just type and post what is on my mind I will categorize under the “Vomit” category to separate them out from the posts that are about the story.
Why call them “Vomit”. Well to me they seem like vomit. Not in the smelling and disgusting way, but in that I am just getting something off my mind by expressing it words without regards to anything else. Much like what a person does when they vomit. Doesn’t matter what is going on, when your body feels the need to get rid of something it does. Oh well if you don’t get the analogy that is alright, it makes sense to me.