Tonight for some reason I was thinking about the time when it all came crashing down for me. I don’t know why it came up in my mind. But it made me feel old. After all that is close to thirty years ago. But looking back from there to now, I can say the “person” that talked to me then was right. That life was worth living even though I couldn’t see it at the time and took a long time for it to happen.
I was reading things on the Internet and it was depressing me. Depressing me because I look at the people writing these things and see them as successful at whatever they are doing while I feel like a failure at what I do.
I am going to try something new tonight as far as posting here. That is to write and post what I wrote. Change from the past where I would only post when I completed a post. Which sometimes never happens with an idea for a post. The reason behind that is the fact that the struggle I go through writing especially about myself tires me out and I find that I cannot finish.
I thought the reason why it was struggle is that it is hard to express myself in words. I think that is part of the reason. The other reason it is struggle is that reflects the inner struggle inside me. The part of me that does what to express itself against another part that wants to keep quiet.
Being quiet and not expressing myself is not who I am. It is something I learned growing up. My birth family was not all that talkative. They where talkative when there was something to talk about that would inflate their ego or people’s opinion of them. When I was a child there was not a lot to be proud about. It was only when I was away from the influence of my birth family that I realized that it was alright to talk about what we are feeling and what is going on.
But I also learned that it was easier to be quiet about what was really going on in my life and why. No one wanted to believe what my father had become and how he was treating me. No my father was a good person and I was making it up to cover up my problems. I am just going to stop there. There is a lot that comes to the surface when I think about that. In the end though, it was easier to keep quiet about my problems than listen to another person deny what is going on with me.
But times have changed. In a glacier moving kind of way, but now I find myself accepting myself more but also with people accepting of who I am good and bad. I no longer feel the need to keep quiet about myself and what I am going through. If anything it is helpful to let people know what is happening with me.
But that experience and memories are still a part of me. They fight against me wanting to open up about myself. That is why I struggle to write posts in this blog at times. Even if I do finish a post, I find myself trashing what I wrote.
Instead of fighting against that and forcing myself to post something. I will just write until it becomes too much or what I feel comfortable at the moment writing. But most of all write for myself.
That is other part of the struggle and why I felt I need to do what I did with this blog. If I know people are reading this blog through comments, likes and following then that part of me that wants to be quiet will win again. But if I don’t know if anyone is reading or their thoughts about what I wrote then as far as I am concerned I am writing for myself. That I don’t have that part of me that wants to keep quiet gaining strength because their is no need to be quiet when I am talking to myself. If that makes sense. Well at least to me it makes sense.
Anyway we will see how that works out. I do what to want to write and express myself especially about my experiences in childhood and as a young adult. Just have to find a way that works for me.
Over the last couple of days, several ideas have come to my mind to write about here. The only problem is I haven’t thought about them enough or not ready to write about them.
Usually what happens is that when I am in the mood to write, I forget about all these to wonderful ideas I had for posts. This time around, I am just going to write the ideas down along with a few sentences as a description about the idea. That way when I am in the mood to write I can go back to this post and pick one to write. I will add ideas as they come to me in this post:
- Not Who I Am: While I growing up, I thought I had to be something that I am not in order to survive. Over time it became a habit that was hard to break.s
- The Voices: About a video I saw about anxiety. How anxiety became something that crippled me as a person when I was a younger. How came to grips with my anxiety. That is still there but no longer keeps me from functioning as a person.
- The Introverted Extrovert: About how people in IRL often see me as a shy and withdrawn person but like my sex that is not who I am. That when I was younger it was necessary to be that way. Now it is something I choose to be for most people.
Doesn’t necessarily mean I will write abut the ideas that I post here. Just things I am considering to write about.