When it comes to memories, the earliest I have is being in the passenger seat of a moving van as it pulled into the driveway of what would be our home in the city. But there was a home I was raised before that move. The home by the river. A home I have almost no memory about and not something that was talked about in our family.
That home has been something I have thought about throughout my life. But not for very long as usually my mind is trying to deal with what happen at the home in the city. I usually put down not having memories about it because I was so young.
That is very true. Even though I don’t recall my age when we moved into the home by the city, it is not that hard to figure out. After we moved into the home in the city was when father was injured at work. About a year after that was when he first started to sexually assault me. So I would be put the age I moved into that house at around four or five years old. Maybe too young to recall the home by the river. That explanation would satisfy me except for nagging detail. To the rest of my family, it seems the home never existed. Well at least they avoid talking to me about it.
It was something I was curious about when I was younger was this home by the river that I first grew up in. I recall asking my mom and my sisters about it. Usually the conversation was directed to something else. About the closest I came to having a discussion about it was when we drove by it and I asked mom to point it out to me.
I cannot recall how I had an idea about where it was located. I just had this idea that it was on the old highway out of town by the river. But also had this idea that it was a subject I shouldn’t push people on. Besides I was dealing with the present and my memories of the house in the city to give it much thought. That is until recently.
I had a dream the other day about the home by the river. Something was happening in what I was suppose was the living room of the house. There was a lot of people around but that is all I can figure out from that part of the dream. Later in the dream I can recall going around the side of the house and seeing the river. It seem very nice and peaceful.
The fact that I am dreaming about it now makes me wonder. I find my dreams are where I process my childhood memories as they come back to the surface. Usually keep dreaming about the same memories until my mind has come to terms with it. Maybe now those memories of the home by the river are coming to the surface as I have started to deal with the memories of the home in the city.
But I wonder why do my memories start from when we move into the city. Did something even worse happen to me at the home by the river. Based on my gut feelings I don’t think that is the case. I do know mom and dad when they move into that home in the city, took out a loan to buy it. Maybe that is why they moved into it was that it was a home they owned instead of renting. But why the secrecy from my mom and sisters about the home by the river if that was the case? Maybe something bad did happen out there that doesn’t what to to be talked about.
I suppose I could ask my sisters about it. But I am not going to bring them back in my life to satisfy my curiosity. That is the last thing I want is have them back in my life seeping their poison into it. Instead I will see what my dreams will tell me just like they have done about other parts of my childhood.