I think the act of sexually abuse is bad enough. But what I think is worse is how it affected my mind. It is like a doorway was open in my mind to things that where disgusting and really bad. Where normal everyday things turn into something you want to avoid at all cost. But it is something that needs to be done. Where the mind is in a tug of war between knowing it needs to be done and the fear that comes with doing it..
I have talk about before in other blogs and posts about my fear of bathrooms and using the toilet. How I would need to go and then be paralyzed with fear as soon as I enter the bathroom or a public restroom. That often I rather just do it in my underwear. That is how strong the fear was in me. But there was something in the bathroom at home that was worse.
That was the bathtub. I really hated more than anything to take a bath growing up. I didn’t really have much choice in doing it. At some point I needed to wash and clean my body which meant getting into the bathtub. With the doors locked to the bathroom and getting naked into a bathtub was when the box would open again.
What happen in the bathtub and bathroom when I took a bath, I rather not say. Just thinking on the memories is hard enough. But in some ways I was recreating what my father did to me. That is what disgusts more anything. That I would do that to myself.
But it wasn’t the act that really disgust me looking back at it. It is the fact that I would do it to myself. Just another thing to throw into the mix that makes me really wonder about myself. But I have to put down that disgust about myself. I have to accept that I did it and quit putting myself down about it.
When I joined the military and move out the house, I had an alternative. That was using a shower. Even when I started living on my own home. The one crucial requirement was that it have a shower. Which is too bad that is the case for me.
I like the idea of taking a bath and relaxing in the water. The few times I have tried over the years, I don’t last more than a couple of minutes in the bath before I have this need to get out again. The desire to to those disgusting things are not there, it just that I don’t relax at all in the bath. If anything I just get real tense and need to get out. Often the bathtub now is used more as a storage container