Today was a very good day for me. My mood has improved and I was able to do a lot of things. I was trying to remind myself how much things have improved especially over the last few years. But I actually find little comfort in that.
It is great that my life is so much better than it used to be, but that actually scares me. The last time I felt this good about my life it all came crashing down when I was sexually abused. To be honest, I am afraid that something similar will happen.
That like my father, someone close to me will make it happen. That is the problem with experience. Sometimes it works against you. Also how will I prove that I am drawing the wrong conclusion from that experience. Wait until I die and that is proof. It is such an open ended thing.
Also lets assume that something similar happens, will it prove to myself that when things get good they come crashing down? Sometimes there is coincidence. That although the situations are similar, doesn’t mean the same thing will happen in both.
I wonder if that is why sometimes I drag my feet on things. Am I afraid if I get to that point where things are good and I feel good about myself, that it will come crashing down. It is hard not to deny that it could happen. What I went through when they came crashing down on me when I was kid was terrible. With that experience it is hard to ignore that voice in my head that thinks the same thing will happen again.
But who knows what will happen. I might spend the rest of my life without that happening at all. It might happen again. There is so much that affects our lives that we have no control over. That could adversely affect my life like what happen with my father. But I cannot let that fear and doubt keep me from enjoying it.
But there is one thing that is overlooked in my fear. That is I survived and recovered from what my father did to me. I made a life for myself. It wasn’t easy but I did do it. If it happens again, then I will do the same. Although this time around I think it will be easier because I do have more experience and faith in myself to do it.