The Worse Thing

The worst thing is the mornings.  When I wake up from the dreams and all these negative thoughts come flooding into my mind.  Part of the reason why I started to write this blog posts in the morning when I can to let it out. 

This morning I find the negative thoughts directed at myself.  The thought that I have it all wrong.  That nothing ever happen.  That I am a fraud and my whole life is a failure.

I do get that what I am feeling is just a defensive mechanism.  Dealing what happen is painful enough.  But I think what happen is just a tip of the iceberg.  The real pain  is from what it means to me because of what happen.

The thoughts that I have because of that do put me at odds with my own beliefs and ideas of right and wrong.   I feel like I am battling with myself at times to do what I think is right.   When I do what I think is right, I find myself not proud of doing that but that I did the wrong thing and I am a failure.

A good example was not killing my father in the “The Tubing”.  Regardless of what he did to me, it wouldn’t be right to kill him.  I cannot let my choices and actions be dictated by other people and their actions.  But despite letting my actions be guided by my morals, I still hate myself for not doing it.

Even now there seems to be a constant fight in my mind.   A fight that no one will ever know about.  In a lot of ways that is where I feel totally alone dealing with that.  I can talk with people I feel safe talking to about it, I can write entries in my blog and private diary to help ease it, but still I am alone dealing with it.