The worst thing is the mornings. When I wake up from the dreams and all these negative thoughts come flooding into my mind. Part of the reason why I started to write this blog posts in the morning when I can to let it out.
This morning I find the negative thoughts directed at myself. The thought that I have it all wrong. That nothing ever happen. That I am a fraud and my whole life is a failure.
I do get that what I am feeling is just a defensive mechanism. Dealing what happen is painful enough. But I think what happen is just a tip of the iceberg. The real pain is from what it means to me because of what happen.
The thoughts that I have because of that do put me at odds with my own beliefs and ideas of right and wrong. I feel like I am battling with myself at times to do what I think is right. When I do what I think is right, I find myself not proud of doing that but that I did the wrong thing and I am a failure.
A good example was not killing my father in the “The Tubing”. Regardless of what he did to me, it wouldn’t be right to kill him. I cannot let my choices and actions be dictated by other people and their actions. But despite letting my actions be guided by my morals, I still hate myself for not doing it.
Even now there seems to be a constant fight in my mind. A fight that no one will ever know about. In a lot of ways that is where I feel totally alone dealing with that. I can talk with people I feel safe talking to about it, I can write entries in my blog and private diary to help ease it, but still I am alone dealing with it.