Good or Bad Decisions

I was thinking about a bad decision I made a long time ago.  A bad decision that lead to more bad decisions that eventually lead to a very bad result.  At the time it seem like a good decision.  It was better than the other choice at the time.  But looking back at it, the other choice would have been better.  But then again neither choice would have made a difference because both choices would have lead to the same thing just in a different way.

Sometimes the perspective is what makes a choice good or bad.  In the short term of the moment it was bad choice.  I should have had the courage to face what was going on and admit to it.  Instead I try to cheat and it end up costing me.

But in the bigger picture it didn’t matter what choice I made. To be honest, what choice I made at the time would have change anything.   It was all an illusion anyway.  A reason that people could accept for leaving home.  I didn’t have anything invested in what I was doing.  I already accomplished what I wanted and that was leaving home.  Therefore the decision I made at the moment seem like a bad one to other people.  But really didn’t matter to me in the bigger picture.

The choice on how I would leave home seem like a bad one.  I didn’t put much thought into it.  Someone offer me a opportunity and I took it.  Not a very wise way of deciding your future.  At least on the surface and to people outside the situation I was in would say the same thing.  But I think if I did the right thing and waited to make a better decision, then that would never happen.  I might have give into my need for revenge.

I was already tempted once to kill my father.  To make him suffer and pay for what he did to me when I was younger.  I resisted the urge to do that.  But I think if I stayed there longer, one day I would carry through with it.  Just step on that oxygen tube and watch him suffocate.  Have him beg me for mercy instead of the other way around.  If I did when me and him where alone at home, I would probably get away with it.  Noone would put much thought into why he was dead.  It was something to be expected.   I would hate myself for doing something like that.

So taking that opportunity to get away from home and the way I did it, may seem like a fool’s decision.  But it was the best thing that I did for myself.  It did get me away from home and removed me from that temptation.  Sure I made more bad decisions following that opportunity that made people think I was  cheat and someone not to trust.  But that is a lot better than being someone that killed someone else.