She sat back in the chair after posting the artwork and exercise for the day on the blog. The exercise was something to be proud about. Lost almost another kilogram and pushed herself more today in the walking. Although paid for it later when spending the evening crashed on the chair. What to write about now?
That seemed to be a question that wasn’t worth answering. Even if there was something worth writing about who would see it? Would it even be worth someone else spending the time reading it? Seem like a lot of work for nothing.
Especially when there more important things to do. Well at least they should be important, but today they didn’t feel important. What was another day to do them? What seem important was the writing. But what to write about?
I could write about that. But how to write about that without going on a rant? Sensitive subject to write about. There was a time when just about everything seem sensitive to talk about. But that was the past, now more open about a lot of things except for this one thing. Might be other things that haven’t come to the surface yet, but this one that was on the surface was hard to talk about.
Like the things of the past, it was hard to talk about because not sure who to trust with this information. Once the information is told and it goes badly, then there is no way to take it back. Better to keep inside than risk a relationship breaking apart because of it.
But its that keeping it back although safe, hurts a lot. I am hiding a part of myself. Saying to myself that I am not good enough. A lot like how my parents hid me and my brother because we where not good enough. More so in the teenage years. Now that is depressing to think back on those times.
But the question is am I really hiding that part of myself by not talking about it? That part of me that I don’t talk about gets expressed in other ways. It influences my decisions and actions that I take. I don’t go out of my way to act any different when people around as compared to my private life. Maybe that means more than actually saying it.
Recall a time when it was hidden all together. That I spent my time trying to be what people expected of me. Now I try to be what I expect of myself. Not entirely sure yet what that is in complete detail. But I am trying to learn that and live up to it.