What It Means to Me

This is a topic in my head that I have wrote about before and probably write about again.  That is what does transition mean to me.  I keep writing about it because it is hard for me to put into words what it means to me.  By doing it again and again maybe I will reach the point where I can express in words what it exactly means to me.

When I accepted myself. one of the first thoughts that came to mind was about physical transition.  It is hard not to think about since most of the time when it comes to transgenders it is about physical transition.  Changing my body and appearance to match my gender.

I have to admit the next thought that came into my mind was the fear that comes with that.  You read and hear about the stories about transgenders that physical transition and how much it costs not only money wise but in relationships, being bullied among other things.  I was afraid that if I did physical transition that those same things would happen to me.  To be honest, I didn’t want to risk that to physical transition.  For the first time in my life I had good and strong relationships with people and I didn’t want to lose that by rocking them by appearing as a woman.

There where other considerations that made me wonder if physical transition was right for me.  Things like money, health problems that made the idea of HRT and surgery risky.  But those along with the fear of doing it, actually where not what convinced me not to do physical transition.  Something more deeper and basic than that.  I wanted to be myself more than I wanted to look and live like a woman.

That is the one thing I had to address with myself.  To step out of the shadows and be myself.  Make decisions about how I wanted to appear and act not based on gender or sex, but what I really felt that was right for me.  In a way that was a lot tougher than doing physical transition.

With physical transition there is an idea about what the ending would look like.  With being myself it was more of an abstract idea.  Who was I was the question I needed to answer first before I could be myself.  The only way I could answer that question was to remove the restrictions put on a person because of their sex, gender and other things and based my decisions on what I like or disliked as a person.  That was easier said than done.

To do that I to trust myself again.  Let me just say there wasn’t a lot of trust in myself.  A lifetime of mistakes and doing things I didn’t like to fit in erodes the trust.  On the other side, playing to the restrictions and stereotypes was comfortable and something I knew.  I may not like it but it was a known quality and I knew what to expect.  While trusting myself to make the right decisions and be a person was something I didn’t know really what to expect.  Would my life be better doing that?

It was something I tried in small steps and found out that my life was better for doing that.  From the outside, it might be said that I wasn’t better for doing that.  But in my mind I was happy and relaxed for the first time in decades.  Therefore I took bigger steps and learn to trust myself again.

Along the way, I discovered I was hampered by the fact who I was as a person.  That being a transgender woman.  I learned I had to look beyond sex and gender.  That those things are just a small part of who I am.  To be myself I had to get rid of that from my thinking.  To stop seeing myself in those terms alone.  But that was also hard to get rid of in a way.

It is like from the time I started accepting myself to recently, my identity was wrapped up in that.  I felt like if I was t give that up all together that I would lose myself.   But I have learned that wouldn’t be the case.  That I have discovered other things about myself.  Things I didn’t know about before because I was focused on my sex and gender.

That was what other people to see me also.  I didn’t want people to see me as a man or a woman, but the whole self that is me.  I think I am doing that now. Still have doubts about myself and being myself.  But I think over time they will became less and less.  That I have faith in myself that regardless of what else happens in my life, I will be happy for being myself.