4/3/2019: Wrote the teaser and background
5/3/2019: Set the scene
6/3/2019: Monster and his demand and my reaction
There was a game that was played when I was a kid and sometimes as an adult. I call it the “morality game”. Someone would pose a question like “Would you kill someone?” and then you answered.
To me the questions seem silly. It is quite easy to pick the answer that abides to your morality. There is nothing at stake with the question. Your morality has nothing to oppose it.
Quite a different thing when faced with a situation in reality. When morality is now opposed by feelings of anger, rage, and the need for revenge. Even the circumstances may tempt you to go against what you hold dear. When that occurs, the answer is not so easy to figure out
By the time I had reached 18, most of the abuse had stopped. No one intervene to stop it. My father’s health had decline with his bad habits that by the time he reached this age, he was just a shell of a person. A person that depended on help from an oxygen bottle to breath and stay alive. Definitely not a person that for the most part was not in a position to abuse anyone. Nothing wrong his mouth though.
Meanwhile I had withdrawn deeper into myself over the years. Although my fear of bathrooms had ease a little, my hygiene was still horrible. For the most part I didn’t see any reason to bother.
It was also at this time, that the question what was I going to do after high school weighed on me. Unlike my peers, I had no plans for a career. All I wanted was to get out of the home and be rid of this monster that was once my father for good. After all I did make a promise to myself when I was eight and it was time to deliver on that promise. Just wasn’t sure how I would deliver on that promise. Little did I know that the answer to that promise would present itself to me.
I was a senior in high school. The good thing about that was now I only had half days at school now. Which meant more time home alone with my father. But by this time it didn’t really matter anymore. He just sat there in his chair in the other room drinking his beer and watching TV.
While I sat in the other room happy. Happy that could be doing something that was comforting and happy to me. That was doing my math homework. Math was one thing that made sense to me.
Math had rules. Follow the rules and you get an answer. No ambiguity in math. Unlike the world around me which made little sense and was confusing. Also something to fear and hate. I would get lost in that world and forget the monster in the other room. At least until he crashed into my world with his demands.
Monster and His Demand
“MICHELLE QUIT WASTING YOUR TIME WITH THAT NONSENSE AND GET ME ANOTHER BEER”
Slamming his beer bottle down on the table next to his chair. Hearing his wheezing and coughing. A result of a decade of chain smoking had given him emphysema. A person reliant on oxygen from the oxygen bottle in her room.
My heart stopped as I was rudely taken from my world to be back in this hell again. I hated when he was like this and being home alone with him being drunk. Over a decade of him abusing me had me really fearful of him. Not that he could do much now except use his mouth to be abusive. A hour to go and mom would be home and he would be civil again.
But something was different today. Felt myself getting angrier and angrier. Why was I putting up with this crap anymore? I got up from the chair forcefully. Pushing it back against the wall where it hit with a loud thud. As I stood up, I looked down to see the top of my foot over the oxygen tube. Now I knew how I was going to end his abuse.
Realizations About Myself