I find myself not wanting to say anything. Why would anybody be interested in it? Why would anyone care? Why waste my time with something that is going to take a lot of time and be ignored?
Those are the questions that go through my mind. I know the same questions other people must feel. But I really do wonder if it is worth the time. To be honest, if I was looking for to be of benefit to other people then I am wasting my time. Who knows what would benefit someone else. I could write in a way that I would think would benefit someone else. But that is more of a shot in the dark.
I have to look at it in a different way. Write it not for the benefit of anybody else, but to benefit me. What would I gain from writing this out to me? Well if anything just to acknowledge who I am to other people. To say this is me and not hide it. To have pride in myself. Something that is often in short supply in my mind.
I am not going to what I call the “small talk” of introductions. That would be me saying that I am a Leo, INFJ, like computers, like colouring, hate fish, dislike sports with some exceptions, night owl, professional driver blah blah blah. I don’t have any problem talking about those things so why do it here? Instead I want to talk about the things that very few people know about. The things I try my best to hide from other people.
For the simple reason, that once you know them then you might not like me anymore. Sure you could say that knowing these things about me will not change your opinion of me. That if anything you are happy to know them because you know me better as a person. Well that is very noble of you if you do think that, but I don’t believe you. If anything I would think that you where hiding what you really felt about me after learning those things.
That is wrong of me to think that. I am not you and really don’t have a clue what you would think. If anything I am transferring my thinking onto you then acting on that. That is often what I thought about myself growing up and for most of my life. One of things that I learned early in my life was that if you are a good person then good things happen to you, but if you are bad then bad things happen.
For the early part of my life that worked out fine. But around six years old, things went downhill fast for me. Bad things where happening to me. The only reason my young mind could think of the reason was because I was bad. But what was I doing wrong? That was a question that plagued me for a very long time. Even know when I realize it is not me, but life there is still a part of me that believes it all happen because I was a bad kid.
So it is understandable why I might think that you might have that reaction hearing about me. Just have to understand that it goes against what I believe in for one thing, just to assume that about a person. So I am going to try to unhide those parts of me and let people judge for themselves. Regardless of its good or bad. But it will be hard at times.